My balls are so social today.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
