Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
