I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just forgot I was standing up.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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