Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
