I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
