Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
