I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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