Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
