Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
