how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
