sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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