don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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