yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
