I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
