i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
