so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
