id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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