then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
