Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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