she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
