Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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