I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
