I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
