We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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