Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Randomize
