We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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