We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
