I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize