im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
