Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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