I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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