bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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