He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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