my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
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