my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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