If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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