dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize