im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize