STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
