I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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