So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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