He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
