When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
