PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
50% drunk capacity currently
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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