saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
