I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
