I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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