my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
