i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
