I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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