You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
we're so committed to being not committed
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize