Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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