Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
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