Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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