It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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