**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
