I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
