if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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