just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
