If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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