i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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