I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
