I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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