She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
