Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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