Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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