Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
