um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
