why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
