A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
