He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
